is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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