Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
