I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
