did you get engaged???
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
