dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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