They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's blow job season.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
