My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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