the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
