dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
