so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
