It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
