when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
