What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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