I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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