I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
