i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
