So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
