The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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