My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
