I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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