I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
