she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
