Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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