Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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