i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
