someone threw a dead crab at me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I wear drunk well.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
