oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
