I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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