woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize