My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
