So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
