I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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