Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
