did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize