I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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