I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
