I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
PANTIES FOUND
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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