Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
