i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
