if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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