it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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