he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize