I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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