a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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