I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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