I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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