guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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