Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
