Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
