She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
