I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
