Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
