I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
