I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
