Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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