Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
