and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
