Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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