I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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