I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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