Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
