I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize