So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
