youre lurking in front of me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize