That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
