I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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