Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
