Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
