just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
