i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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