Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
