Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
