I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The Olympian is in my bed
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
