Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
