I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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