um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
